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In Memoriam-Sandy & Charles

We lost people we love. We remember. We grieve. We reflect.

Memories are strong, even when they seem to wane and fade – their imprint remains cuddled in a notion, déjà vu on sidewalks, in stores and restaurants, in movie theatres and highways, in clothes, smells, furniture and fixtures. There are separate rooms in your mind where loved ones pace the hallways of memories. We each have our stories, our loves, our loss.

We are kin in the knowledge that all victims of DV have stories which have been rudely interrupted.

Sandy was a vivacious, vibrant feisty, woman just experiencing the ecstasy and frustrations of motherhood, and navigating the breakup with a man she loved.

No one knew the depth of disparity in their private lives until the escalating situation forced her to find a confidant. By then…it was too late.

It’s been six months since Sandy and her brother Charles were murdered by the hands of her husband. Gunned down in her home by a person who vowed to love, honor and cherish her. Gunned down by a man who just days before shared an afternoon of laughter. Domestic Violence has diseased and crippled our community. So while I believe it’s important to share what we’ve lost it is imperative to share what we’ve found.

Through the healing process, we must dust the boxes of moments we have packed in the attic of our memories. Open those boxes and reexamine. Take the pearls of retrospect which now represent a morbid wisdom and string them together into a community necklace.

Domestic Violence starts at home, with poor or no decision making skills, our children are growing up year after year, unable to effectively interact with each other. Domestic Violence is handed down, and passed along like a deadly dowry. An inheritance of poor problem solving and life skills practiced year after year, children growing older and angrier until they are grown men and women who are living, breeding and nursing new generations devoid of vital, pivotal life skills.

It’s beyond time to FOCUS…We teach our children to say no to drugs, put down the guns, and don’t talk to strangers – but we are neglecting to teach them how to talk to each other, how to problem solve or to respect and implement personal responsibility

When we tell our boys to be men also tell them its ok to hurt…its ok to cry…its ok to walk away in anger – it’s okay. When we tell our daughters to be women, also teach them to value who they are. Teach our children to recognize anger and escalation in others and in themselves – Preach and teach personal responsibility and healthy interaction.

When it’s gone beyond that, people don’t want to “get involved” or “get in the middle” of relationships, for fear of alienating the one you love. We have to be ready to have that uncomfortable conversation lasting moments, rather than lose that person in an irrevocable manner. Domestic Violence isn’t a man issue this is a human issue.

We fight hard for citizens to have a right to receive a license to carry a gun –we should put that same dogged effort into raising our children so they may grow up and earn a license to carry a relationship.

Iya Isoke 10-19-10

About The "SoKey" Experience

Each morning I wake I pour myself into a goblet, slowly inhaling the scent of my own faults, swirling them around the glass, allowing them to breath, then I sip, allowing my own inconsistencies to soak my tongue before swallowing. If I am tipsy from my own frailties - I'm less likely to become drunk on yours. -SoKey (introspection)



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